DOG JOKES

My friend Lisa was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for the
dogs, and was in line to check out. A woman behind us asked her if she
had a dog........

Duh!

Lisa was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, she told her no, she was
starting The Purina Diet again, although she probably shouldn't  because
she'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that she'd lost 25 lbs.
before she awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of
most of her orifices and IV's in both arms.



The ladies eyes almost popped out of her head.



Lisa went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it. She told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way
it works is to load your pockets or purse with  Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the
food is nutritionally complete so she was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with Lisa's story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, the lady asked if something in the dog food had poisoned her
and was that why she ended up in the hospital.

Lisa  said no.....she'd been sitting in the street licking her butt when
a car hit her.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount

of shampoo to the toilet water,

and have both lids lifted.

Obtain the cat and soothe him

while you carry him towards

the bathroom.

In one smooth movement,

put the cat in the toilet

and close both lids

(you may need to stand on

the lid so that he cannot escape).

Flush the toilet three or four times.(Don't worry about the noise and the splashing, this is actually the cat's favorite part!!)

Have someone open the door

to the outside and ensure

that there are no people

between the toilet and the

outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far

as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG

 A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I
wanted to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten bucks." The guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

WHY I DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN!!

How to give a cat a pill


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding ear paws tightly with left hand. Gently force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill,down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and mild soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Gently force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damned cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little shit's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it if necessary. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any really small hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL


1. Wrap pill in bacon.

2. Toss in the air